Sunday, February 17, 2008

Something Wicked This Way Fizzes

While checking out one of those new-fangled "Nostalgia Candy Shops", I stumbled across FIZZIES. FIZZIES, that space-age wonder tablet that, once added to water, creates an instant soft drink. It sounds like some real Jetsons-style shit, like food pills and a jet-car that folds up into a briefcase.

I chose "root beer" for my trial run. After I got home, carefully read the instructions and prepared myself the drink of the future: 1 tablet added to 6 oz. of cold water.

After an eternity of fizz-time, my tasty treat was ready to drink. It looked like rusty tap water, but I wasn't about to let the deter me.

The taste... HO-LEEEE Buttered DOG-ASS! Imagine pouring a half cup of flat A&W into a garbage can, letting it sit for a week in the sun, having a spider-moneky with clamidia take a pee in the can and then you add some ice and drink it. That probably still doesn't come close to how awful this was. I went back and checked the package twice to make sure I wasn't supposed to add sugar or have a priest bless it, but I had mixed it correctly.

So, FIZZIES, not the best thing I've had in my mouth. I didn't grow up with them, so I have no reference on how they used to taste. Maybe they used to be great and these new ones are crazy-messed up recipes or something. I do have to assume that the company to makes them is in fact run by the devil itself. I actually feel a little damaged by the whole affair. I'll most likely need a grief counselor of something to overcome the emotional scars left by that unholy flavor.


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